Love the Fall, Hate Finance Journalists

Before I start, I'd like to thank my four followers for their support. Very touching.

Over the past 10 years I've probably watched 10,000 hours of CNBC. This channel needs to be taken off the air immediately. I've never seen more fear-mongering and sensationalist journalism in my life; not even from Fox News in 2001-2004. Half of their segments comprise of the anchors yelling over each other to get their point in. This would be a good thing if it wasn't so annoying because none of them have anything intelligent to say, anyway. Maria B is the only redeeming thing about the station and sometimes the Aussie blond chick is okay but only because she has a cool accent. I sometimes consider quitting my job so I don't have to listen to these douchebuckets talk for 10 hours a day. The guys from Minority Report are going to arrest me for the murder of Michelle Caruso-Cabrera any day now.

Yes, I am going to talk about Liverpool. They are back (I think) but need two more players to compete for a top four spot. They beat Chelsea in a big way but had to play mid-week against Wigan (shit team) and only drew because they ran out of steam. Hopefully their new transfer guru can figure this out and buy some decent players that don't resemble Christian Poulsen and Joe Cole. Also, Roy Hodgson needs to stop wearing parkas on the bench; it doesn't inspire much confidence when your manager looks like he might freeze to death in 50 degree weather.

Oh, I almost forgot - I finally booked my Vegas trip. If you never see another update from me it's probably because I died there. December 16-19 - everyone is invited! One thing I won't be doing there is caring about fantasy football. If I wasn't so rooted into my leagues I'd probably quit and if you think that this is only because my teams blow then you are probably right. I wish I had Eli on my teams to give me a reason to care. Fuckin' love that guy. He's the 3rd best quarterback of all-time behind Simms and Hostetler. He's ranked slightly in front of Fran Tarkenton and Kerry Collins.

Battlestar Galactica? Who the hell would have thought this show would be good? I DID BITCHES! I went into it fully expecting a masterpiece and it delivers in a big way. It has hot chicks, stuff blowing up, some sentimental moments, some flashback episodes and a cranky old dude who should have been cast as a pirate or a Scot in all those pirate and Scot movies that have come out over the years. Trust me, the show is worthwhile and if you think I'm a nerd loser then I don't blame you but you can go fuck yourself. That's all I got for now...

Summer's Over- Back to Work, Son!

Yeah, I took an extended break from this blog or whatever, sue me. I promised a review of Cleveland. Well, normally I wouldn't have anything about it since the place is a total non-event. It's nice, has trees, has a lake, has some buildings and has some white people. Great. No wonder Legay left, it's definitely not Souf Beach and Mo Williams is not Wade.

On to more important things, like how I didn't go to Vegas - fail. I am currently working on correcting that problem. You know what else is a fail? Liverpool Football Club. They are not only failing on the pitch but they are basically going to go bankrupt soon. It's so depressing watching them play and Roy Hodgson looks helpless sitting there on his ass. At least FIFA 11 is out so I can write them a different destiny.

What douchebag thought this Outsourced idea would be good? No one likes those Indian call centers with the people who you can't understand so why make a show about it? I see that shit and I'm like, no wonder the call centers freaking suck. Another slight, slight issue I have with the show is that it's not funny one little bit. Great job, NBC, I am never calling any help desk ever again. Thank God I bought a Mac.

The Office season premiere was kind of weak; that show needs to end soon. Community is definitely back stronger than ever as is Modern Family. I know she's jail bait and at the risk of sounding creepy, the oldest daughter on MF is going to be hot pretty soon. Wait a minute, I just looked her up on IMDB, she's 20! I am such an idiot for thinking I was being creepy, I totally wasn't, although, she does look like she's 14.

Want to hear more of my useless opinions on TV shows? Sure, I'll oblige you. Boardwalk Empire looks like it's good, but I can't say for sure because I was kind of drunk when I watched the first two episodes. Oh well. Hawaii Five-O? Freaking watchable. Off the charts watchable. A little bit of Scott Caan, a hearty helping of Jin from LOST, a few wise cracks, a few explosions and a lot of Grace Park is a win in my book.

The Event is pretty absurd. It's like Eli Manning: I have no clue whether to like, love, hate, root-for, help or not care about it. That's why I am officially nicknaming Eli Manning "The Event." Every throw is an event in and of itself. Anything from a frozen rope back shoulder throw in tight coverage to a ball sailed 10 yards high to a Helmet Catch. Sack fumbles are on the table all day long and so is him squirming out of it to chuck up a 35 yard wobbling duck to David Tyree who then makes a Helmet Catch. Helmet Catch, Helmet Catch, Helmet Catch. Giants won the Superbowl. Fuck you, Tom Brady. Anyway, yeah, Eli is The Event.

I guess that's all I had to say for now. Starting today is fall birthday season at Burbon Street, 46th between 8th and 9th. You don't need to know whose birthday, he sucks. All you need to know is that they have a lot of Burbon and hopefully so will I.

Deep breath...calm down, Anil.

Once in a while there come days when I want to rip someone's face off more than usual. Today is one of those days. Rather than rant and rave, however, I'm going to write about some stuff that's had me fairly titilated recently although one last note on NBA free agency. In case I didn't make it clear, I am NOT a fan of Legay's decision to go to Souf Beach. I apologise for not making that more clear.

Inception. What the hell? Any other director other than Christopher Nolan would have taken this super-complicated idea and turned into a scatter-shot mess. He managed to focus on a few key aspects of the dream world without getting too caught-up in psychology (thank God) and left us with a masterpiece. I used to think that the kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun was a freak, but I have to admit, little bit of a man-crush going there. How does he make his hair sit so still? Who dresses him? Sigh... Anyway, if you haven't seen it, pop an aderall and check it out. At the very least it's a well-directed, well-written, well-acted, entertaining summer flick and ride the upside from there.

Summer cable series! True Blood, Mad Men and the artist formerly known as Entourage have made Sunday nights worth looking-forward-to. I usually tape Entourage and watch it last because it's way more potent than taking sleeping pills. That show fell off a cliff about three years ago and it seems as though it's reached terminal velocity. The only reason I say "seems like" is because it's hard to quantify the drag coefficient with a 26 minute HBO comedy. Thank god I gave up my dream of being an engineer when I did. I probably would have been pretty bad at it.

I've started reading a new imaginative fiction series (aka sci-fi nerd books) and while I usually like them regardless of how good they are, this one in particular has been exceptional. George R. R. Martin has already been labeled the "American Tolkien," which is beyond high priase for a writer of this genre although their styles are nothing alike. Whereas Tolkien focuses more on high-level Good vs. Evil themes, Martin is more concerned with human nature. The wheeling and dealing that takes place is genius and there are no such things as good guys and bad guys. For once, the author more or less lets the reader decide who they are rooting for. The first book in the seven book series is called "A Game Of Thrones" and HBO is actually turning it into a series starting in 2011. They've already filmed the pilot and have started production on the rest. I'm on the fourth of what will be seven books and he's currently writing the fifth one although he's been working on it since 2005. I am starting to panick that once I finish it I will start to suffer from withdrawal. My hunch is that he's waiting for some tail-wind with the TV show and will announce a release date when the hype has taken over. Some people think he got bored and stopped writing it which would be a travesty given its quality. I can't see how that's possible since he updates his blog daily re: casting for the show and is clearly deeply invested in making it a success but my fingers are crossed, regardless.

English Premier League football is starting in two and a half weeks and it can't come soon enough. The World Cup has left me craving soccer to the extent that I tried watching a Seattle vs DC United game...I turned it off after eight minutes. MLS is trying and I think they're making decent progress but we're still two World Cups away from having a high-class league in this country which is why I will be waking up at 8am on Saturday mornings to watch Liverpool lose every week. I spend at least an hour a day reading about transfer gossip and praying that Lucas Leiva leaves L'Pool (addition by subtraction), clones himself 18 times and signs for free with every other team in the EPL. That alone would put the Reds in the top three (subtraction by addition) and it's only a matter of staying healthy after that.

Next month I've got a wedding in Cleveland, Ohio and will have a full-report on the damage caused by Legay. I also have a potential trip to Vegas since Venetian clearly aren't doing so hot and need me to inject some life into the $25 Blackjack pit. I get free room offers at least once a day and am doing my best to resist but my utter lack of willpower is starting to take its toll. Until then...

Words cannot do justice

to how gay Legay James is. I'm sorry if you are gay and you are reading this because now that word has new meaning. Just know that I didn't do this to you, the same guy who decided to hand the alpha badge to Duhwayne Wade did. Fuck him. He's not worth your anger.

Thoughts on the Southern Hemisphere

South Africa is basically California but with much smarter people. Joberg=LA, Durban=San Diego, Napa=Stellenbosch and Cape Town=San Francisco. The food was exceptional and the white people with funny accents were very friendly and accommodating. I was shocked to see how much money the country put into revamping their stadiums. I only went to the ones in Durban and Cape Town, but they are beauties. Soccer City in Johannesburg and the one in Port Elizabeth look amazing, as well. My question is, what are they going to do with them after the Cup? I know there are competitive football and rugby leagues, but they can't be deserving of those kinds of venues. I guess we will have to see. The only thing that shocked me even more than the stadiums were how cheap everything was (especially the alcohol). The Jack in a Jack and Coke is cheaper than the Coke! It was a challenge to spend a ton of money even at the nicest restaurants and the food and service is par with NY.

I would totally go back there on one condition: No football.

If I have to have a vuvuzela blared in my face one more time I'll chew my ears off. Don't ask me how. I'll fucking do it. They were the single most irritating thing about the World Cup other than the refs' ineptitude. The locals who actually knew how to use them and produced a sound that didn't remind me of a fart were fine. It was the drunk foreigners who turned what could have been a cool gimmick into a cluster fuck of bodily gas. One of the great things about being at a football match live are the chants and songs of the fans. It was non-existant at this World Cup because they were drowned out by or distracted by the vuvuzelas. What a shame.

Other than that, South Africa is an amazing place; especially Cape Town - it has retirement destination written all over it. As far as World Cups are concerned, I'll be in Brazil for sure and pray that they have some device less annoying than a vuvu to amuse themselves with. I suppose it's back to my old routine and not caring about where Lebron, Wade, Bosh and Amare all end up this summer. I find it pretty absurd that a bunch of guys can just hijack a sport and decide where they are all going to play. The joke will be on them when their teams still stink and the Thunder and Lakers are the best teams in the league because one built through the draft and the other cheats.

May Sweeps

Generally, May is an awesome month for me. There's the increasingly warmer weather, the start of the summer movie season and the heart of the NBA Playoffs. However, this May has been somewhat bittersweet. Why don't I recap?

Ironman 2 was bitter. I don't know why they thought they needed to divert from the formula they used in the first installment: stuff blowing up, occasional hottie, crunking and sarcasm. RDJ generally thrives in this type of environment, but too much of those good things always leads to a train-wreck (Larry Drew II). When you consider the fact that RDJ used to be a drug addict, jacking up the volume on the formula was a terrible idea. During certain scenes it seemed like he was trying to invoke the days of his famous coke binges. If Ironman 2 was supposed to be about why drugs are bad, this might be good, unfortunately, it's a stupid comic book movie so I don't really want to see a guy hit rock bottom and then try to pull off witty sarcasm. Nor am I a fan of swapping Dr. Dre (Terrence Howard) for Don Cheadle. Cheadle is the more capable actor but he didn't once utter "yaaaooo Tonnaayyy," and that's a fail. On the whole it seemed as though they desperately wanted to out-do the first one and it wound up hurting them in the end. It's a watchable film, just get ready to cringe and roll your eyes a lot.

Robin Hood, on the other hand, I found very sweet. I know a lot of people didn't like it because he wasn't robbing rich people, but we have the US Government for that. They gave us a solid prequel that seemed pretty effortless. The story flowed, the bad guys were French (never a bad fail-safe), the acting and directing was decent, it ended with a few battle scenes and set up nicely for a few sequels. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE? (SPANIARD! SPANIARD! SPANIARD!) Don't get me wrong, it was nowhere near as good as Gladiator, but it's definitely nothing like it as a lot of people have claimed. There weren't a bunch of scenes with Russell Crowe daydreaming with sad music in the background, he wasn't a ruined man trying to pull himself back up from his bootstraps and he wasn't rebelling against his own government (that's next movie). If Ironman 2 was watchable, I'd classify this as re-watchable.

The NBA Playoffs started out pretty bitter but they have very recently become increasingly sweeter (and by recently I mean the first half of Game 4 Suns-Lakers). Lebron James was a huge disappointment, but not as big a disappointment as his coach who should have played Varajao and Hickson at least 20-25 minutes a game each. It still might not have mattered, though, because the Celtics are not fucking around. When did Rondo become a guy I fear when I am rooting for the other team? He can't shoot unless it's a layup or floater, not even free throws! He's the one thing I am looking forward to if there's another Lakers-Celtics Finals; I'll finally be able to root for him. You know who else came out of the woodwork and turned out to be pretty sick? Goran Dragic. He is one dirty mofo. When Steve Nash finally retires or dies on the court from a freak injury, the Suns might actually have a guy who can be 80-90% as good as him. How often does that happen to a team that loses an all-time great? Oh, yeah, it happens every fucking decade with the Lakers. Fuck the Lakers. And what the hell is going on with Kobe's underbite face whenever he makes a big shot? STOP IT!

The farewell season of 24 was a roller coaster. It started out like the past few seasons--with Jack somehow being roped back into saving the world and being hindered by the same law enforcement officials that are supposed to be helping him. It's like MJ going one-on-one against Reggie Miller for a game winner and then having his teammates setting picks for him and cutting behind him bringing with them potential help defense for Reggie. And yes, Jack Bauer vs a well-funded terrorist cell backed by the Russian government aided by the President of the USA is as much of a mismatch as Jordan vs Miller one-on-one. That might even be a compliment to MJ. Anyway, the writing and plot twists were pretty weak until about the 12-hour mark when the show went into an overdrive the likes of which I hadn't seen since Season 4 with the override followed by AF-1 going down followed by an actual nuke. It was all set-up for a promising series finale except the rich asshole writers decided to dumb-down the ending so they could make way for a 24 movie. What a tragedy. It went from sucking, to awesome and back to sucking. If the movie isn't as good as all-three Bourne movies combined, then they failed. Pretty damn bitter if you ask me.

LOST was sweet. I'm not totally on-board with the last 10 minutes or so of the finale, but they did a damn good job with the rest of it. I know people are pissed that they didn't answer every question, but I feel like they answered the questions that didn't involve answers that would piss me off. I don't want to know where the Smoke Monster came from, it's such an absurd concept that any explanation would be dubious to the point where people would be looking at the TV like they just smelled a fart. I'm just fine taking some of those supernatural things for granted as long as the character arcs were resolved. I am of the opinion that they accomplished this very important goal and simultaneously left some room for debate about what certain phenomena represented. They even gave us an old school Hurley nickname (Bigfoot) from Sawyer. The only bitter thing about Season 6 is that my LOST fantasy team crapped the bed because of picking Ben over Sayid and having a hunch that Walt would come back from his hiatus and lace people Gandalf style. I've already convinced myself that the plane they showed crashed on the beach at the end was the Ajira flight which was carrying Kate back to civilization where she would have undoubtedly wreaked havoc. Stay dead, Kate.

I would say that the cancelation of Flash Forward is bitter, but that show has taken such a turn for the worse that it's a non-event. I'm just mad I invested time in it in the first place. Hopefully next month will make up for some of May's shortcomings. We have the NBA Finals, a rare FIFA World Cup, the NBA Draft and Jonah Hex to look forward to. That's right, Jonah fucking Hex. Megan Fox attempting a western accent--who thought that would be a good idea?

Hooked on Phonics

Does it make any sense why white people can't pronounce foreign names? I'm not talking about the crazy Eastern European names, I'm talking about four letters and two syllables. A guy literally just asked me how to pronounce the name Ajay (uh-jay). I wasn't appalled at first because I assumed he might have thought that the first A was long (ay-jay). Nope. He asked me if you pronounce it Ar-Jay. Do you see a fucking R in the name you iliterate freak?

This does not just occur with Indian names, it happens with any foreign sounding name. I'm not sure a customer service person has ever gotten my last name right. Granted, it's nine letters and four syllables, but it's phonetic so why is there such a big problem? Chi-Roo-Vo-Loo. Not, Shih-Roo-Vuh-Low. I've come to realize that the issue is not the lack of ability to pronounce these names. They are, after all, in English, the native language of America (for now). The issue is apathy.

People at my office used to call this guy who's name was Sachin (suh-chin) Say-chin and after correcting them scores of times he just gave up and started going by the wrong version. It's lame for him to have given up, after all, it's his identity and once you give that up what else do you have but can you really blame him? How tiring must it be to correct people who you have a relationship with on a daily basis to say your name the right way? The fact of the matter is that a lot of whities in this country (huge generalization) just don't give a flying fuck whether they pronounce shit right or not. After all, it's their country, why should they have to learn our names?

Well, guess what, unemployed asshole in Detroit who is so quick to complain about Goldman Sachs when Ford and GM received bailout money as well (and didn't pay it back), your children will work for mine one day. I would practice my eastern name pronunciation if I were you so you can teach your kids (God knows they won't learn from their white teacher). Start with Krishnamurthy Ramachandran, idiot. (Krish-nah-moor-thee Rah-mah-chun-dran).

Dislike Button

Over the course of the past few weeks there have been several developments that (surprise!) I dislike (please bear with the forced segues):


This first one isn't a recent development insomuch as it's a recurring one. Why the hell can't the idiots that work at Chipotle make a taco properly? I can't tell you how many times they fuck this up and it's maddening. There are times when they'll decide to dump the meat over three taco shells and expect them to all fill evenly. The result of this is that one or more of the tacos has meat on one half, and nothing on the other. Yummy, plain taco shell! There are other times when they add hot sauce to the outer surface of the taco shell instead of inside it. Both of these things can happen with the sour cream and if the person is incompetent enough to screw up the meat and/or sauce, they are probably screwing up the sour cream, excellent. If I was going to mash up the taco shells and eat them like nachos, this would probably be fine. Then again, if I was going to do that, then I'd go somewhere and just order fucking nachos, wouldn't I? By the way, this never, ever, ever happens at Taco Bell; tell me how much sense that makes. And it's not like you can yell at them for screwing up the food because then you're the picky asshole in a line with 50 people that relies on you to get your business up to the register as quickly as possible for it to keep moving. Look, I know your job sucks, Chipotle worker, but if the people at Taco Bell can do it, so can you.


You want to know what's similar to eating a taco with sour cream on one half and meat on the other? I'll tell you--it's watching Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez start Lucas Leiva as much as possible while sitting Fernando Torres as much as possible. They can't freaking score without him, why do they sit him? Would the Cavs sit Lebron James in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals if they were down 3-1 and he was even relatively healthy? Hell freaking no! Would they take him out of the fourth quarter of the game if it were tied? No? Then what the hell is this crazy wanker doing? START TORRES EVERY GAME, PLEASE. And back to Lucas, I know he's Brazilian, but he freaking sucks. Stop it.

What really needs to stop is Duke getting every freaking call; I can't take it. I have to watch the "Duke Sucks" video 10 times for every one of their games that I sit through. It is absolutely sickening. No one really talked about the charge call they made in favor of Jon Scheyer in the championship game when he was mid-air as contact happened. Could that have made the difference in the end of the game? Who knows, but it's just another example of a monstrosity of a call in a close game that should never go the defense's way. He was basically under the basket! Someone get me an inhaler.

In case you hadn't already figured this out, I also really dislike the fact that Duke won the National Championship. It absolutely kills me. At least they helped me win some money, but it definitely feels tainted. Maybe it'll go towards hiring a guy to kill Coach K. Or I could give it to charity, but that wouldn't contribute to society as much as my first option (I don't condone violence, but I do condone the threat of violence). I was sitting pretty with UNC having won two titles since the last time Dook won and this year did not at all feel like that was going to change. Scheyer, Singler, Smith and Zoubeck? Do any of those guys crack an NBA Playoff team's rotation? At least the last time they won they had some real players, this year's team seems like it came out of left field. They took advantage of a favorable road to the Final Four and handled their business. What else can I say? Now I have to hope that Carolina wins one soon to keep pace. Which leads me to my next dislike:

What the hell is Ed Davis thinking leaving Carolina after two years? Not only is he ruining Carolina's chances of winning next year, he's screwing up his future! Ed, Google "Brandan Wright," and there's your NBA career. Remember Brandan, the tall skinny UNC guy who left after a year even though he had no discernable post moves? Well, guess what, but after two turd-like years warming the bench for the freaking Warriors (they suck), he's now had to sit out the entire '09-'10 season with his second shoulder injury (because he was too frail). Happy trails, Ed! Don't get me wrong, he's good and I'm sad to see him leave for mostly selfish reasons but he's still making a major mistake. He is god awful when it comes to putting the ball on the floor, he's way skinny so he won't be able to move guys off the block at the next level and he has no jumpshot to speak of whatsoever. That's not to say that he can't develop one or more of these skills, but getting burried on the bench of a crappy NBA team isn't exactly the best way to sharpen one's tools or to build one's self-confidence. He's going to get mauled his first few years and coaches/teammates are going to wonder whether he has the DNA to succeed in the NBA. I hope for his sake he doesn't let his first three years of sucking kill his mojo. As for me, I guess I get another year of The Larry Drew II Project.

Speaking of train wrecks, have you seen the new Starz show "Spartacus: Blood and Sand"? Good golly, even with the amount of blood, gore, gratuitous nudity and, of course, the sand!!! thrown at the viewer, it's god awful. Having said that, I'd like to note that I watch every episode. It's obviously much better than shows that don't have the blood (and sand), but judging it on a relative scale, it doesn't stack up. It's not a bad idea; they combined HBO's "Rome", Gladiator and 300 down to the plot, comic book-like backdrops, slow motion action sequences, political intrigue (can you say melodramatic?) and graphic sex scenes involving aging redheads. All of that sounds good until you realize that the show revolves around a loser rich guy who owns a bunch of gladiators in Capua (what the fuck is Capua?) trying to climb the political ladder in Ancient Rome and his best fighter, Spartacus, who's pretty much some jackass soldier who's trying to find his wife. Yawn, it's like watching a C-list celebrity red carpet show. Oh, and by the way, the drunk people screaming on 11th Street that just walked out of Webster Hall would make for a better cast. In fact, I could stick a video camera out of my window right now and I'd have a suitable audition tape for season 2. The only guy that's irreplaceable is the tall black dude who trains the gladiators; he'd win a fight against any of the drunk Webster Hall guys and he wouldn't be ashamed to smack the rowdy bitches...respect. All-in-all, it's not the worst way to kill an hour, but they sorely underachieved.

One guy who didn't underachieve this year was Kevin Durant. I'm just disappointed that Durant's Thunder sort of fell apart these past few weeks and will most likely end up with the 8th seed and a date with Kobe and the Lakers. They have a guy who can match up with Durant (Odom) and are better at pretty much every other position except point guard, and I do not trust Russell Westbrook to run a team in a playoff series yet. I just hope that we are in for one game where Durant drops 55 at home. Oh well, at least the Mavs and Nuggets look like they're ready for the challenge. Kobe's just dominated the Western Conference the past few years. Kind of reminds me of the time Conan joined TBS and dominated their comedians...

Wait, what? Conan is going to do late night on TBS? Are you kidding me? I dislike this on so many levels, it's not even funny. Conan is one of the brilliant comedic minds of the past twenty years and because that douche bag Leno couldn't give up the limelight we have to watch him take a late night job on TBS? I'm glad that he landed somewhere, but this is like driving a Ferrari with automatic transmission. He's going to be joining the comedic ranks of Tyler Perry, Bill Engvall and George Lopez? Not that he will be collaborating with them, but it's still kind of an insult to his comedic intelligence. It would be like David Halberstam co-writing a book on life in LA with Ron Artest and Lindsay Lohan. Wait, that would have been kind of awesome... nevermind. My biggest issue with this is that TBS will actually have a valid point when they run those ridiculous "very funny" commercials. I used to be able to roll my eyes and laugh at how pathetic those guys in those shows seemed (making my life seem much better in comparison). Now, I'm going to have to sit through about 500 iterations of these commercials during the NBA playoffs and I won't have that to fall back on. Where will I get my validation from? I dislike it when things that I dislike so much that they make me feel awesome in comparison are taken away from me so suddenly.

Don't Run, Walk.

I have some very strong feelings about what has improbably become the 21st Centrury's Titanic, a film I had very high hopes and low expectations for, the Pocahontas of outer space, the one, the only, Avatar. I went to see it on opening day, waited in line for two hours for the IMAX show and was ready to experience for the first time a film that I'd hoped would like enough to watch 30+ more times. I really, desperately wanted to like this movie but I didn't expect to. What I took from it was a headache from the 3-D glasses and a slew of questions.

I've had some heated arguments about this movie to the point where people think I'm just being a snobby contrarian. Maybe they are right, I'm not self-aware enough to judge; all I can do is state my case as to why I thought that this movie was on the whole, very average. It's epic, it's ambitious, it's expensive; and it's got everything else you'd expect from a James Cameron film....other than plot, character development and realism. I know, I know, you're thinking, "Realism? Are you kidding? T-2 wasn't realistic!" No, I'm not kidding, and, yes, it was realistic. Any story has certain conditions called "The Setting" around which the characters are revolved. Where some movies fail and others succeed is how believeable the characters' behavior is within the context of that setting. T-2 is a movie with a fantastical setting, yet John Connor and his crazy mother behave relatively how we'd expect them to given the preset conditions of the film. Avatar has its own set of preconditions that I am going to assume you are familiar with for the sake of expediency. We have to accept these preconditions and hope that the characters' behavior pulls everything together and tells a compelling story. My case states that it doesn't.

The one argument I can make for this movie is that the CGI, sound effects, etc. are all mind-blasting. They basically took the technology that Peter Jackson and crew used to bring Gollum to life in Lord of the Rings and took it to the 10th power. Everything from the individual blades of grass to the expressions on the faces of the Thundercats/Na'vi felt so real that you forget you're not watching real actors. These types of special effects are definitely going to be a big part of the future of movies, and it looks as though that future could be closer than we thought. Cameron waited years to bring his story to life and the effects were well worth the wait. At the very least, this movie is revolutionary the way Star Wars Episode IV was revolutionary. For that reason alone, I highly suggest that everyone go watch it.

The story itself, however, we've seen before. Disney made Pocahontas in 1995 and it fell relatively flat compared to its other Diseny Masterpieces and The New World came out a few years ago with the epically bad Colin Farrell playing John Smith. Both films described an imperialistic society encountering a "primitive" society to obtain resources that would have had great value back home. Soon after, a guy from the invading force meets a chick from the natives, learns their ways, remembers he hasn't had sex in a LONG time, and majorly violates the Bro-Code. All-in-all, it's pretty cliche, which is fine with me. Avatar is just executed shabbily and didn't really outdo either of its predecesors from a plot/theme/character development perspective with the bar having been set fairly low.

Jake Sully's character development is the first major strike. We are barely introduced to his character before he's thrown into the Na'vi society. We know that he is an ex-marine who can't walk and he's replacing his dead brother's Avatar since they have the same DNA...fine. We are led to assume that he misses running around and this leads to his emotional transformation from human to Na'vi...understandable, right? Wrong, one of the senior members of the private military staff tells Jake that they'll fix his legs when they get back to earth. Umm, what? If his condition was reversible, why didn't he get fixed and join them as a marine? Why did he want to turn into an alien and frolic around the forest? Why was he desperate to hang onto his Avatar's ability to walk which presumably led to him betraying his species? Marines aren't typically nature lovers who wantonly break the chain of command and disobey orders. They are trained to not give a shit about anything other than "the objective." Cameron didn't even attempt to show us that Jake was capable of being more than a "dumb soldier" which is how they portrayed him from the outset of the film. His behavior was highly abnormal and it wasn't adequately explained. Did his love for his twin brother spark his desire to take up his cause? Did something happen to him when he was serving to disenchant him with the military? If he was going to go off the deep end like he did, then please give me more than a few walks in the jungle with a Thundercat to explain the reason. While "he was horny" is a believeable reason (and was the basic premise of Pocahontas) it does not exactly get deep enough to jive with the whole "nature vs. technology" theme.

Sigourney Weaver's character was also perplexing. She spends the first half of the movie playing a sarcastic scientist and the second half playing an idealistic tree-hugger. When exactly did she decide to soften-up? Furthermore, why did it take so long for her to mention that the entire planet was self-aware and that all living creatures with the ethernet-tail could communicate with each other? Isn't that the single coolest thing about the world that Cameron created? It took about two hours before that revelation was made to be more significant than a peer-to-peer bond. It's like going from having an in-home network to hooking up to the world-wide-web! That discovery is what should have awoken Jake Sully's spirit in joining the Na'vi, not some carnal need to mate combined with being able to run around (since he was fixable).

In my many arguments about this movie, people have pointed to Cameron's "creativity" in the different plant and animal species that were present on the island. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this, but weren't they just dinosaurs that were slightly tweaked around, or am I crazy? I don't find much creativity in that, not that it's a bad thing, but it's a lazy argument to make so STOP IT. Speaking of lazy, let's dig into a specific plot incident which might have been one of the all-time lazy storytelling moments: Michelle Rodriguez going-Green (or in Avatar's case, going-Blue). Remember that the security force she is employed-by that is imposing itself on the island is privately owned and operated. These guys (and gals) flying the jets and carrying the automatic weapons are getting paid a pretty-penny for being there; that's how mercenaries work. For her to go AWOL in the midst of an assault on the island saying, "I didn't sign-up for this," is lunacy! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU SIGNED-UP FOR, BITCH! How was she not marooned on the nearest moon for insubordination? She subsequently went back to base and rescue the imprisoned Jake Sully so he could go back and help the Na'vi. What the hell? No one noticed her doing this? There wasn't a better way to have Sully escape and get back to his new friends? Weak.

I also find it hard to believe that whatever governing body was in charge of earth at the time of this story didn't impose itself on the situation there, and instead, left it up to a private enterprise with its own paramilitary force to sort-out. If this stuff Unobtainium (it's hard to obtain, fyi) was so valueable and the one obstacle in procuring it was that it's underneath a major city of an alien civilization, bring in the government! Also, was whoever was in charge of that company really okay with Giovanni Ribisi effectively deciding to commit a genocide on a similar level to the Holocaust? I find that somewhat hard to believe considering the shit-storm of bad press that would bring down. Since Cameron said nothing in the setting of the movie about this company and why it was allowed to do whatever it wanted, I have to question it. This would have never happened in Star Trek or Star Wars where there governing bodies specifically concerned with inter-species relations.

People have told me to just shut the hell up and enjoy the movie since it's better than most other movies out there. That is true; however, when any story is written it has an unstated goal with how serious, sad, dark, satirical, romantic or funny it's trying to be. Avatar is clearly a movie that takes itself very seriously and is attempting to make a major statement about the evils of imperialism and the power of nature, among other things. Just look at the script, there are no light moments anywhere and the human actors come across extremely grim the entire movie. Naturally, the bar we as viewers need to set for it is going to be higher than the bar we set for, say, Hot Tub Time Machine. It's impossible to rationally judge movies without thinning the field and comparing movies that are aiming to hit similar goals. In that respect, I think Avatar failed miserably. It didn't hold up sufficiently when compared to other science fiction, social commentary or romance films. Nothing was explained and the characters consistently failing to convince me that they had a good reason for behaving the way they did undermined what the movie was trying to say. That's partially their fault as actors, but mainly James Cameron's fault as the writer/director. This was basically a three-hour light show, entertaining as it may have been. Maybe I'm being too hard on it and maybe Cameron just wanted to make a cool-looking movie. I don't think it's the case especially when it's been 20-or-so years in the making and had a $500m marketing budget, but what do I know? I just think he (characteristically) shot for the stars and fell (uncharacteristically) short of his lofty goal. I hope he spends more time on his storytelling or we will surely be in store for a monstrosity of a sequel. Prosocution rests.

NIT Basketball!

So, the Heels are in the NIT Semifinals which takes place at MSG on Tuesday night, and while I'm thrilled that they overachieved, I'm faced with a conundrum of sorts: to go, or not to go? Before I get into that, let me give you some background. This year has been particularly awful when it comes to following UNC, but not for the reason you might think. I'm not frustrated because they suck and I am upset about it, I'm frustrated because they suck and I can't get upset about it because they just won last year. If I started acting like a whiney bitch (as I normally would) after a season like this, I'd feel really lame; how often does a team put everything together and win a National Championship? In my case, I've been lucky enough to see them win twice in the last five years and see them come close another five times since I started following them in 1995. For most other schools, they might compete in a real way once every five years and win once every 20 years! Wouldn't they suffer a season like the '09-'10 Heels' to win a championship? Absolutely. I basically have to just accept everything that's happened and move on.



To give you an idea, UNC lost to Dook twice this year and I didn't want to jump out of the window before, during or after either of the games. Normally when the two teams play, I work myself up into a drunken frenzy by tipoff and then ratchet up the intensity exponentially as the game goes on. The game at Cameron Indoor Stadium (sixth circle of hell where the heretics think that Durham, NC is the center of the basketball universe) when they got absolutely wiped-out was off-puttingly ho-hum. Normally, I'd be catatonic after a loss like that and question why I watch sports and put myself through such torment, but not this time. I felt as if I was a neutral party watching Morgan St. get whooped by Kentucky. There were times when I would space-out and think things like, "Wow, Jon Scheyer has a quick release," and "Nolan Smith can make it in the NBA," and "Hey, Kyle Singler look like the little kid from About A Boy!" What the hell is that all about? Normally when I see a white guy on Duke all I see are pasty bodies riddled with zits that couldn't turn the corner on a stationary rubber cone. Now I was actually admiring their "skill" and commenting on how they look like endearing British child actors? What's happening to me???


I went to the Coaches vs. Cancer tournament at MSG earlier this year before I lost my mojo. It was the start of a new season, the Heels were supposed to have reloaded after losing their four best players last year and were expected to make yet another deep tournament run. I was cautiously optimistic; they were young and most of their guys were unproven (guess what, they still are!), but they did have those two enigmatic temptresses: size/length and talent/athleticism. The one thing the pundits (and I) either forgot, didn't realize or chose to ignore is that UNC's point guard was Larry Drew II. If you want to witness a train wreck, there are two ways you can do it: watch the movie WANTED, or watch Larry Drew II. (With WANTED you'll actually get a two-for-one since the movie is atrocious and there is a scene where a train actually gets, well, wrecked.) Drew II plays the position like it's rugby, careening into the waiting arms of seven-foot giants with wreckless abandon often finding himself left with fewer outs than Worm at the end of Rounders.


Anyway, the Heels started Coaches vs Cancer vs Ohio St. (a nationally ranked team with the 2nd best player in the country), dominating the first 35 minutes of the game before nearly blowing a double-digit lead in the last five minutes. It was an alarming sign that they couldn't close it out, but I was just drunk enough to not notice and was looking forward to their next game which was against Syracuse. Let me tell you, it is not going to be fun reliving that experience over the next five minutes. I had to sit there watching UNC get abused like an altar boy with a close friend of mine who grew up in Syracuse (middle finger if you are reading this) in a venue that was filled with Syracuse fans. The place was racously giddy; it was as if they'd been told that they were all going to get to sleep with the entire Victoria's Secret lineup after the game. As for myself, I felt like I was going to die in that place. I would compare it to the eighth circle of hell (Fraud), since I was supporting a team trying to pass itself off as a contender. I got beer poured on me (accident after Cuse's 23rd three-pointer) and felt like I deserved it for wearing powder blue. I had Syracuse fans who had mocked me for two hours actually feel bad for me by the end because I looked like I was going to start crying (didn't want their pity). If I had gotten punched in the face, I would have bowed my head and accepted it. It was one of the low points of my (sports) life and the weird thing is that I would give a whole lot to care that much again. I can't even tell that it's March because my fist hasn't had a single close encounter with a brick wall yet.


The Syracuse game was a microcosm of their entire season as they finished with a .500 record, missed the NCAAs for the first time in seven years and were seeded fourth in their region for the NIT (puke). Talk about falling from grace. So here I am, with UNC having come full-circle returning to The Garden for the NIT Final Four on Tuesday. Their run through the ranks of NCAA Tournament rejects has been somewhat inspiring. The fact that Roy Williams didn't let them mail-it-in and is using this to build back their pride/self-confidence is a breath of fresh air. So the question now, as I asked earlier is, to go, or not to go? Despite their mini resurgence, I still find it hard to feel much of anything at this point. How do I root for them to win the NIT? It would almost mock what they acheived last year and most of all, it would frustrate me that they didn't beat these types of teams during the regular season. I find it hard to believe that they put it all together in time for one last run at the consolation prize. Am I supposed to invest time, money and my emotional stability for the N-I-fucking-T? On the other hand, how do I not go out and support these guys that I (used to) care too much about when they are playing in my backyard? This decision is a defining moment for me and I am not sure that there is a right or wrong choice. I have just under one week to decide, but just in case I decide to put myself back out there, does anyone want to be my wingman/sponsor?

HI

What took me so long to do this? All I do is bitch about stuff to people who, for the most part, don't care. Is there a better forum for this than a web-log? Anyway, for those of you who don't already know, I tend to have very strong and usually unsupported opinions about everything from sports to how much people suck. If you have a problem with that, awesome, and away I go...

I am starting to give up on college basketball from a quality of play perspective. That's not to say that I'm giving up watching it, it just means that I don't think it can improve. The product is total crap. Sure, we had some sick buzzer-beaters and solid OT games during the first two rounds of the NCAAs, but overall it was hard to watch.


The problem is that there is a formula to winning: all you need to win is a good point guard who can start the fast break/protect the ball/draw fouls in crunch time, two guys (could include said point guard) who can hit 3's/free-throws and a big man to protect the rim/rebound/clog the paint. Does this remind you of every "good" Duke team in the last 15 years? Yes! Am I a bitter UNC fan? Yes, but that doesn't mean I'm not right. There is very little pick-and-roll, mid-range shooting and general individual brilliance in the college game. You could argue, of course, that basketball is a team game and individual performances only cast an ugly cloud over that, and you'd be right. Unfortunately, the NCAAs have something I call "individual cluster-fuck," and they have it in spades. There were countless games when a team's entire half-court offense consisted of their "star" or their point guard dribbling for 20 seconds and either and turning it over or chucking up a horrid shot (usually a three). Wait, I think I just described the UNC half-court set from 2009-2010. So, so bitter...

I would expound on my reasons why the game is this way listing everything from rules and poor coaching to the psychology of the average NCAA basketball player trying to make eight figures in the NBA, but I don't like defending my arguments, I just make them. Moving on...

I watched The Hurt Locker again this weekend and noticed some new things about it: The psychologist/Colonel/Ice Truck Killer from Dexter got exactly what he deserved. I felt bad for him the first time I watched it, but no more. He's telling a bunch of Iraqis who either don't speak English (or who do and are pretending they don't) to move their cart because it's not safe "today." Really? It's not safe in downtown Baghdad in 2004? What a doofus. How the hell did that guy become a colonel in the US military? He apparently never really went out into the field and saw real combat and now he's counseling 18-year-old kids who are stuck in the desert dodging bombs from insurgents...huhh? No wonder they all have Gulf War Syndrome.


This leads me to my second observation: why the hell was Eldridge such a baby about it when he died (and how did I miss him being a total sodding wet blanket the first time around)? He saw his first team leader/guy from Memento/guy from LA Confidential die from a bomb and it was because he (Eldridge) was unable to kill the guy who triggered it. You would think he'd be a little more distraught about causing the death of his team leader than some Iraqi grandfathers outsmarting some paper pushing, ass-kissing doctor-made-Colonel. When Sgt. James wanted to go "Haji hunting," Eldridge said he was down to party (paraphrasing), but when he goes and gets captured like a loser and accidentally gets shot by James during the (successful) rescue, he get's pissed at him! Would he have preferred to let the two insurgents take him to a basement, put a flag on the wall behind his head and start chopping? Did he even thank James for rescuing him? No, he just blamed him for shattering his femur and putting him on the shelf for six months. Sorry about your vagi-, I mean, femur, douche, but maybe you should have voiced your concern before you went out in the dark trying to seek revenge on the guys who killed your gynecologist. Will James got a bad rap, man, I tell ya...


My third observation was already known to me, but it only strengthened my previous notion that Kate from LOST is totally useless in all situations. I hope she dies soon (on the show), she can do NOTHING right. James was getting all excited about people getting exploded in Iraq and how they need more bomb techs like him, and she (playing the part of his wife) tells him to cut a carrot. Really, you're going to be passive aggressive about not wanting your husband to go back to disabling bombs in Iraq? Don't you think and old-fashioned tantrum (shake the baby, pretend to kill yourself, offer sexual favors) would work better? No wonder the guy ended up back there. The irony of all of this is that it's the exact opposite of how LOST Kate would have acted. She would have agreed that he should go back to Iraq and then complained when he didn't let her come. She would have then pretended like she was over it and then come anyway. Then she would have interfered while he was trying to disable a bomb and gotten them both killed. Would that have made the movie better? Worse? Who knows, but at least we know that Kate sucks and to never fall for her venus flytrap-like personality.