Over the past few years I've had an ongoing gripe with UPS and their commercials. When they unveiled their "What can brown do for you?" commercials in 2002 I was thrilled and they quickly took over the package delivery scene. It was revolutionary: simple, to the point and even gave Hindu males a line to drop on unsuspecting white chicks. Brilliant! Someone even rolled out a joke t-shirt line based off of the slogan. The unlikeliness of this succeeding in the shadow of the terrorist and anti-brown craze in this country was ridiculously high. However, the good folks at UPS rolled up their sleeve like a good Hindu would and shut shit down for five years. Bravo, Brown.
Some time in 2007, the United Parcel Service decided to go in a different direction. I don't know if they were trying to champion the cause of douchebags around the world but they decided to launch their whiteboard campaign. They tried to keep the Brown spirit alive by throwing it in at the end of these commercials but after a while it was a mere afterthought. The drawings and explanations of UPS' suite of services became so convoluted that the focus had been thoroughly shifted towards that long-haired tool. He would smugly draw his oh-so-clever machinations and it was almost as if he was saying, "Look, this WHITE guy can do really cool stuff with a WHITE board. Who cares about the BROWNS doing the actual work behind the scenes?" It was at this stage in UPS' advertising process that I would literally get on my hands and knees and beg for them to stop. I'd had enough WHITE board to last several lifetimes and even started to have violent dreams involving this guy standing over white board guy's bed while he was sleeping, waiting for him to wake up.
As you can guess, someone granted my wish (not God, unless he decided to be cruel) and on September 13, 2010, it was announced that UPS would launch their "We Love Logistics" campaign. It was to be their largest campaign yet and it was supposed to stress their Biz-to-Biz services. Now, I am a fan of logistics as much as the next guy, but setting their jingle to the old Dean Martin song titled "Amore?" What the fuck, were they trying to be ironic? There is nothing logical about "amore" or Dean Martin and 99% of the people who watch wouldn't catch the irony of the situation anyway, if that's indeed what they were going for. This is all aside from the fact that the girl's voice and the song in general is absolutely the most irritating thing I've ever heard. Of course CNBC, the god damn piece of shit channel I have to watch 10 hours a day, sells every spare second of commercial time to UPS so they can air this garbage several thousand times a day. It's come to the point where I have to hope that I'm on the phone when it comes on so I don't notice but even then there's at least one asshole pointing it out to me because I've made it so abundantly clear how I feel about it.
There is a lesson in this: If you hate low-brow crap commercials, don't complain about them because they can always get worse and someone will always get pleasure out of torturing you with it. Of course, this entire post was dedicated to how much I hate this campaign so I'll probably have something new to hate in six months. I just ask that you remember the public service I performed here and consider me a martyr when I stab myself in the heart when it happens.
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